Uma Musume is Unironically the Best Thing to Come Out of Japan

This is about horse girls, funnily enough.

To us Westerners, Japan is either:

A) a futuristic utopia.

B) the weirdest country on Earth.

Of course, the reality isn't anywhere near those two extremes, but it does mean that often ghastly, sometimes cool, things tend to come out of this little island nation. Unironically, one of the best things to come out of Japan isn't sushi or life-sustaining Toyotas, but a little franchise called Uma Musume.

Wait, I said little. I meant massive. This franchise is worth billions of dollars in Japan and that’s well-before their decision to release globally.

Contrary to what you might believe, the Japanese are rabid sport fans. Baseball is one of the most popular sports in Japan, which has been great for the MLB as Japanese stars make waves in the league. Other than that, horse racing has left a sizable mark on the Japanese consciousness, so much so that Cygames made a goddamn video game and anime out of it. The result is one of the balls-to-the-wall, adrenaline-fueled, entertaining franchises I have ever seen.

Uma Musume is pretty simple. Cute anthropomorphic horse girls who race, training at a horse girl academy school because, you know, Japan. They also sing and dance in concerts because Japan likes that idol stuff. Though, the songs are actually kinda good, if I’ll be honest.

Now, that might put you off. You might be thinking to yourself, "I can't watch this, I'll look like a weeb!" Shut up, coward, this is peak (is that what the kids say?) semi-fiction! Remember, morality is dead in America. Who cares if you dabble in the weeaboo shit? We elected a rapist as president, the ship for sanity has sailed.

And I say semi-fiction for a reason. Despite the anime girl aesthetic, the horse girls (ie, umamusume) are based on real life Japanese race horses from history. I don’t know, the Japanese like doing this to historical figures. Look what they’ve done to Joan of Arc. So umamusume like TM Opera, Manhattan Cafe, or Maruzensky are real race horses you can look up online.

But why Uma Musume? Or any sports-related thing whatsoever?

In my opinion, sports are popular because of the personal stories, drama, triumphs, crushing defeats, and questions. Sport teams are ingrained into their local community and culture, becoming synonymous with local identity and camaraderie. What? Did you think Bears fans want to be Bears fans? Hell no, they’re loyal to a dream and tribe.

I know a lot of folks aren’t interested in sports. But the culture and community of sports like football or baseball are rich in tradition and history. Watching baseball on television is boring. Being there in person with friends and witnessing a game-winning homerun? That’s a core memory right there.

Think about the big what-ifs, like what if Derrick Rose never got injured? Or think about the Cinderella run of the 2016 Cubs, breaking a century-old championship drought. The absolutely insane and heart-stopping World Cup match between Messi's Argentina and France. One of the greatest underdog stories ever told when a rag-tag USA hockey team defeated the Soviets during the 1980 Winter Olympics. Or shit, last year’s Super Bowl was cathartic beyond relief as the Chiefs were bullied to submission by the Eagles.

Sports provide some of the greatest stories in history, the pinnacle of human experience, and the culture of which is near unparalleled. Think of the rivalries, the heroes and villains, the living legends and underdogs. It becomes even more evident in individual sporting events. Federer vs Djokovic. Ali vs Frazier. Do you guys remember that Margot Robbie movie about Tonya Harding and how Harding’s ex-husband assaulted her rival, breaking her ankle? Yeah, sports are wild, man.

Horse racing is no different. Uma Musume miraculously blends the usual kawaii anime stuff with inspirational, sometimes heartbreaking, stories that will have you at the edge of your seat. I mean, look at this shit. The anime also gets the benefits of its medium, meaning that they can dial up the melodrama and over-the-top theatrics as much as they want.

For example, take Tokei Teio. A famous racehorse who was a monster on the field, winning numerous Japanese G1 races. Teio suffered a crushing injury in 1993, only to march back nearly a year later to win one last awe-inspiring victory at the Arima Kinen. Uma Musume turned that story into a plot about triumph, loss, and perseverance. The cute anime girl stuff is meant to be the pitch. The actual meat of the series is exhilarating action.

Now, the IRL drama translating to cute anime girls is already (somehow) an effective way to care about the characters. However, each umamusume has their own distinct personalities, motivations, and little quirks that make them endearing in their own way. Because they’re based on real-life race horses, the series also goes out of its way to put the IRL traits of these horses into their umamusumes. For example, Golden Ship is an eccentric little shit. She was just the very same in our world.

To further illustrate these personalities; Special Week is a polite, kind-hearted, albeit determined girl from the countryside who wants to be the best and make her parents proud. Aw, how adorable! Agnes Tachyon, on the other hand, is an enigmatic and insane mad scientist who will call you a guinea pig as she edges the limit of ethical scientific behavior.

She’s funny though, so it’s forgivable.

This also means that you could, if you want to spoil yourself, just simply look up the race history of each horse girl IRL and see if they won the race or not. That's lame. Just watch the anime. But it also means that the series takes reverence to the individual horses and presents interesting what-if scenarios. For example, Silence Suzuka is one of the biggest what-ifs in Japanese racehorsing history.

Because she (he IRL) died. A horrific leg injury led Silence Suzuka to be euthanized in the middle of a race. Here? Well, she's alive! Yay. In addition, if you are wary of horse racing because of animal cruelty, delude yourself into believing this is better. As seen with Silence Suzuka, the series sanitizes the more grisly aspects of horse racing.

You've ever watched an actual race of any kind? Eyes wide as the contestants march down the finish-line? Sometimes the eventual winner is so far ahead it's superhuman. Other times it's so neck and neck it's a toss-up to the last millisecond. Uma Musume catches the insanity and adrenaline of these real-life horse races to the nth degree, yet also elevates it in a way only anime can. No, seriously, the anime often has better animation and action than most Shounens.

It makes most anime look impoverished in comparison. Though, that may be unfair, considering just how much money this series makes in a single year.

I've been talking about the anime, mostly, what about the game? Recently, Uma Musume finally had its global release in late-June after years of waiting. The Japanese refuse to release all versions of their games simultaneously. Why? I don’t know. Ask the Japanese; they still use fax machines for some reason.

And if you’re worried about weird weeaboo shit, you’re in luck. Compared to most Japanese gacha games, Uma Musume doesn't sexualize its characters. You know what I mean. Degeneracy in Asia makes America look tame in comparison. The game is more focused on the kawaii, family-friendly side of things instead of Japan’s obsession with “I know she looks like an infant but she’s actually 1000 years old duuuur.”

The game, on surface, seems quite simple. You train your horse girl, win races, the whole shabang. However, the game is actually hell on earth. HELL.

You didn't prioritize the proper stats? You failed. You didn't pick the right skills? You failed. You didn't pick the right supports or talents? You fucking failed. Crushing defeat! You also get to see the races too. Oh, you think you're in the lead after doing everything right? Kachow, you lost at the last millisecond because Air Groove pulled a miracle out of her ass.

Why’d you pick that strategy? Are you dumb? You didn’t get enough fans before race day? Welp, end of the line, bud. You only have two turns before the next race, better have your stats up! You want to increase your umamusume’s speed? You may think a 17% failure is worth it, but boom, a gigillion points from Gryffindor.

Bit of a learning curve here, which may deter you. Boo-hoo. A good challenge is good for the body and soul. This game will bring out your competitive spirit and if it doesn’t, something’s wrong.

The game also takes its time to get you well-acquainted and develop a relationship with the umamusume, which only makes it more gut-wrenching when you fail. Imagine all the hard work you put into a project. Now watch it go up in flames. Imagine raising a kid. That kid looks at you twenty years down the line in disappointment. That’s the game, man.

Oh, you lost? Well, tough shit, you’re just not good enough, loser. Oh, right, you’re the trainer of that umamusume over there? You failed her, buddy. She could’ve been a star but you let her down. What sort of pathetic, useless, inadequate, unreliable, sack of shit are you-

Anyway, like I’ve mentioned, the umamusumes are based on real-life Japanese race horses, some of whom may have had their careers derailed by injury or never quite made it to that number one spot. Well, under your watchful eye, it is up to you to train your umamusume to stardom. Silence Suzuka may have died in real life, but not here, bucko. Make her a legend. Haru Urara never won a single race in her IRL career. Rewrite the annals of history!

Instead of asking what could’ve been, force into light what should’ve been. On the other hand, if you aren’t replicating the established victory, you might actually suck. Grass Wonder won the 1999 Arima Kinen. Oh, she lost that race in the game because of you? Scheiße verdammt, you failure! A trillion lashes!

I kid. But you get my point.

The losses are crushing, yes. But the victories? You’ll feel like you’re walking on cloud nine. Don’t you want that number one spot? Don’t you want to taste the fruits of your hard labor? Don’t you want to see your umamusume front and center at the idol concert? You might lose a piece of yourself. Keep a bottle of brandy on hand.

Conversely, you are playing a gacha game. This is critical to understanding your gaming experience. On one hand, you won’t really need to buy resources in-game to win, though it may be harder than if you did. On the other hand, this is not a game for gambling addicts.

Gachas market their characters and related materials front and center, because they know for most people, the game is secondary to the (can’t believe I’m saying this) waifus. There is something in the gaming community called a “whale,” ie, someone who invests an absurd amount of money into a game, typically to get their waifu at all costs.

Don’t be a whale, friends. Most of us aren’t as wealthy as that one F/GO player who spent tens of thousands in just two years. Pace yourself. Because losing out on your waifu will sting. Don’t fall into temptation. You’ll think you’re immune up until all the materials you’ve spent months collecting all go to waste in one sitting, leaving you with nothing but an emptiness in your heart.

So. I’ve used up your valuable time to tell you about a Japanese gaming and media franchise about cute anthropomorphic horse girls. I still think it's worth it.